WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT DATING?
This outline is based on an AWESOME book, The Ten Commandments of Dating by Ben Young and Dr. Sam Adams. This book was helpful to me over twenty years ago and is still relevant and helpful today. I have added Bible verses and a few other notes to be as biblical as possible on the subject!
The Ten Commandments of Dating
By Ben Young & Dr. Samuel Adams
Biblical principles and practical wisdom for preparing for and handling the dating scene.
THOU SHALT GET A LIFE
“The Un-Life”– a life put on hold for a want of a dating relationship
• Mark 12:30 “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”
THOU SHALT USE YOUR BRAIN
The key is using your head in the matters of the heart. Romantic love has little to do with real love.
• Balance the head and the heart
• Refrain from physical intimacy
• Analyze your past relationships
• Include others in the process
• Never neglect opportunities to evaluate along the way
• Jeremiah 17:9-10 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? ‘I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.’”
THOU SHALT BE EQUALLY YOKED
Spiritual Connection – Date only Christians, no exceptions.
• 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?”
THOU SHALT TAKE IT SLOW
THREE reasons to take it slow!
1. You do not get to know a person in a short period of time
2. You need time to bond
3. You protect yourself from getting attached too quickly
SEVEN SLOW MOTION DATING STRATEGIES
1. Make the two-year commitment
2. Make your first date short and casual
3. Don’t volunteer too much information up front
4. Delay physical affection
Men are looking for a CAR
Challenge – long term relationship vs. short term fling
Attraction – more to do with personality and character
Respect – they respect a woman with boundaries and standards
5. Stay connected with your friends
6. Do not pray together
7. Don’t mention the M word
THOU SHALT SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES
A healthy relationship requires good, solid, and well-defined relational boundaries
How to stop people from running over you:
Your body belongs to you:CHRIST 1 Cor 6:19-20 Your emotions belong to you:CHRIST
Your thoughts belong to you:CHRIST Mk 12:30 Your actions belong to you:CHRIST 1Thess4:3-6
THOU SHALT NOT PLAY HOUSE
Excuses people give: Love, Finances, Practice, & Engagement
The Truth??? Fear, Sex, Manipulation, Immaturity
oCouples that live together before marriage have an 80% higher chance of getting a divorce
oWomen who cohabitate are TWICE AS LIKELY to be victims of domestic violence
oWomen who cohabitate are FOUR TIMES to experience depression than married women & 71% of women wouldn’t cohabitate again
THOU SHALT SAVE SEX FOR LATER
Seven BLUNDERS of the Sexual World
· All you need is a condom - What about disease and pregnancy?
· You’ve got to have it - Is sex your master or is Christ your master?
· Sex equals intimacy – NO, NO, NO!!! Real Intimacy take hard work, time, self-sacrifice, honesty & commitment.
o “Couples who have been married for many years record the highest levels for intimacy, happiness, and dynamic sex”
· If you are in love, it’s ok - True love requires a lifelong commitment. Sex outside of marriage is never ok.
· You must sample the goods – A big mistake that will diminish the excitement within marriage.
· It’s just a physical thing – Sex is primarily a SOUL thing.
· Everybody is doing it – Look at the damage to marriage and relationships it has done.
How to Save Sex for Later
· Celebrate Wholeness – say no to instant gratification and yes to delayed gratification
· Receive Forgiveness – and recommit yourself to purity until you marry
· Set Clear Boundaries – plan how to keep yourself out of danger
· Stay Accountable – keep friends involved in your life
1 Cor 6:12-20 – READ, BELIEVE, & LIVE IT
THOU SHALT FIGHT FAIRLY
Top Four Harmful Responses to Conflict:
1. Peace at all costs (Avoidance)
2. Win/Lose (Defensiveness)
3. You Don’t Count (Invalidation)
4. All-Out War (Intensification)
Fair Fighting Techniques
Dial Down (20 minutes or more of cool-down time)
Set the Tone (be careful how you start the conversation)
Shut up and listen (shut up and listen)
Use “I” Statements (“I feel __ when __” – prevents criticism, labeling, accusing, & attacking)
Negotiate and Compromise
• James 1:19-20 “19My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”
THOU SHALT NOT IGNORE THE WARNING SIGNS
SEVEN DEADLY SIGNS (Get out quick!!)
Abuse – physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual – there is no excuse for abuse, ever.
Addictions – alcohol, drugs, pornography, self-injury, gambling (watch out for ‘coaddicts’)
Infidelity – no trust = little relationship
Irresponsibility and Immaturity – responsibility IS important
No physical/sexual attraction – what???
Emotional baggage – aware of their problems? see how it effects relationships? Getting help?
Denial – when you recognize signs but try to rationalize what you are doing
Don’t go into a relationship thinking you can FIX or HELP someone. Find someone who already has their act together.
THOU SHALT CHOOSE WISELY
Are you making poor choices?
First-available syndrome, Fooled by the externals, Blinded by sex, Going too fast
Discerning Character – what is character?
Faithful, Honest, Committed, Forgiving, Giving
1. Crisis reveals someone’s true character
2.Character is who you are when no one is looking
3.Friends are a good window into a person’s character
4.Look back on prior relationships to determine patterns of behavior
5. Give it lots of TIME!!!
· Take a look at yourself
· Take responsibility for your relationships
· Take back what you lost
· Take a look around you
· Take time out
· Take these guidelines seriously
• 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’"
• Romans 5:3-5 “3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
• Proverbs 12:4 “A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”
www.gotquestions.org- The most comprehensive and biblical resource for short answers to tough ?s
www.focusonthefamily.com- An amazing collection of biblical answers on many questions in life.
www.familylife.org- A great resource to prepare for marriage and to understand God’s relational truths!